The Guy

First of all, I'd like to take a moment to announce the end of the trend: Napoleon Dynamite.
I wanted to see this movie when I first saw it advertise. I find dumb stuff funny for no apparent reason. Like when I found out that Hannah works at KFC with a guy named Bucket. Bwah! Bucket! Like those buckets of chicken you get! And then I spewed Mountain Dew from my nose. So I find someone feeding a lama a large ham funny. Anyway, I watched the movie. And you know what? It wasn't the next Citizen Kane. It was completely lacking of a plot. It was unapologetically... dumb. And I loved it.
However, the Napoleon quoting must stop.
I came to this realization after going to the Beta convention last weekend. Six out of the 15 campaign skits had a dancing Napoleon and an equal number of candidates tried to drop Napoleon quotes into their speeches. Exactly what "building a cake" has to do with being a successful Beta State President I will never know.
And so...I now declare the following to be utterly unacceptable behavior:
adding "gosh" to every statement you make, adding "dang," "freakin," or "freaking idiot" to everything you say, and using "infinity" in replace of several, a lot, or many.
note: Deb quotes and the phrase "butt-load" are still acceptable. And the Napoleon dance is still funny if done right.
We had a great time at convention. Only one of the candidates using a dancing Napoleon won. And I did not vote for her. Mare and I supported "Dan the Man," the reigning state president, who had an entirely 80's themed campaign speech and skit. And, I became more enamored with my "Seth." ( I swear this isn't just another Adam Brody fanwank as I'm sure those are getting redundant. )
I first noticed him at district history day, my first experience with the contest since the horrific History Day event of 1998. Shudder. I'll explain another day.
This year went considerably better. I won second place in the Senior Paper division. And The Guy won first place in Senior Individual Exhibit. I noticed him again on the 6:00 news that night when they interviewed him. However, I realized that it would probably be the last time I saw him aside from State competition, when everyone would be so stressed and out of their mind to talk. Also, I didn't know him. I had only noticed him, he hadn't noticed me. And as Mare says, that constitutes as stalking.
And then there he was at Beta convention. I passed him as I was stomping off to my room, ticked off because I didn't want to take the Creative Writing exam that was in a half hour because I hate being forced to write within a set amount of time, and I don't know what I'm going to write about and blah, blah, blah.
Guess who is in my creative writing test.
The Guy.
He was wearing his school jacket so using my genius, Dana Scully, investigative skills I could determine his last name. God. I am a stalker. But at least now I don't have to keep calling him The Guy. Except, I'm going to. Just because I like it.
Later that night I saw him in a campaign, one of the few not using Napoleon Dynamite.
The next night I had to perform on stage in the special talent category. For those of you who don't know me. I play piano. I'm not that great by any means. But I enjoy it and can play a pretty mean rendition of Fur Elise, the staple for anyone who's ever played piano in their life. Blah. But I auditioned and got accepted to perform. And so did The Guy. A normal person would have introduced themself backstage. But being me, I just stood there in awe of his adorkableness, complete with curly hair and spazzy nervous habits.
He played the fiddle in a bluegrass quartet. And while that has never been my personal recipe for the man of my dreams, he was adorable and very good. They all were. They won second place in the competition. Even better, he won first place in creative writing.
Oh. my. God. Smart, cute and creative. I'm a sucker for a good writer. If I had actually met this guy, I think I would be in love. He surpasses Seth Cohen and goes into John Cusack from "Say Anything" range. And he can totally hold his giant boom box and blast "In Your Eyes" outside my window.
Now I have to stop before I get any creepier. I swear I'm not really a stalker. Really.

Dear Ashlee

Ashlee,

You never write, you never call. I'm getting kind of worried about you. Look, I tried to help and you go and make a complete and total mockery out of my advice: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434424/

Okay. I get it. If I'm not mistaken that tag is a reference to the SNL thing? Just a guess. I guess it kind of cute and endearing. And its cool that Princess Leia is in the movie. And the guy who played Kyle Chandler's friend on Early Edition. I loved him! But, ehh, Ashlee, when I suggested that you act I didn't mean for you to play a sing--eh, you know what, it doesn't matter. No really. Don't be upset.
Do you want to talk about it?
Pull up a chair.
Is it Cabrerra? Because you could do better. And could you tell him that his hair looks strangely like that guy from Teen Wolf?
Is it your dad? He seems like he could be a little overbearing. What with the "sing, my pretties, sing!" attitude, when all he really does is play golf with Nick all day. I mean, thats not right Ash. I'm calling you Ash okay? You can call me Bob. Do you want to be friends? You look like you could use a friend.
Since you seem to be so keen on taking my advice I've compiled a short list of things for you to do:

1) Fire your PR people:

"Ok look not everyone has to like Ashlee Simpson, I know plenty of ppl that don't but can't you ppl that don't like her just keep your opinions to yourself! You don't have to say bad things about someone just because of one mistake SNL made! It wasn't her fault!!"

Okay, Okay. I stole that from a message board. But blaming SNL is a unique alternative.

2) The next time Avril publicly disses you, slap her silly. There's nothing the people like more than a good celebrity catfight. Especially when directed towards Advil. Trust me. The American public would love you. Women and children would dance in the street. I would buy Autobriography and then actually listen to it. Fan. for. life. I'm telling you. I know she acts tough, but I've got a good 30 lbs. on her. Together we could take her.

Heh. In no way am I plotting against Avril Lavigne. Forget that. FORGET.

3) Remember your fans, Ash. They're out there.

"Since she's had so much struggle with SNL and the Orange Bowl, I sometimes wish I could show her how I feel by inviting her over. I know it probably won't happen, but it's fun to think about. I can picture us having fun together right now. I've always wanted to know, you wouldn't happen to know what her favorite food is? I wonder if she likes pizza, because we could have that. I'd be overly nice, and I'd let her sleep in....my room."

Yep. Message boards.

I'm touched.

I was so inspired that I wrote a haiku:

"Ashlee Simpson,

Caught lip syncing.

We'll find consolation in pizza.

Will this upset your acid reflux?"

I just want you to know, that guy took a lot of criticism for that comment. Maybe you could send him an autograph?

On second thought. Ew.

--Bob

Entertainment News Not Involving Tara Reid's Boobs

Lets face it, celebrity boobs get a lot of attention. Poor Lohan. She didn't get any press until she started shaking her cans around. And she was so adorable in The Parent Trap. However, there are more pressing issues to discuss. Sorry kids.

American Idol. Yea. I watch it. You got a problem with that? But, you may ask, isn't it annoying that they insist on singing the same songs every season, or, if not the same songs, a variation of songs that sound the same? Isn't it sad that you actually have to hear Gloria Estefan's "Turning The Beat Around" more than once in your lifetime and the majority of those times come from this show? Isn't Ryan Seacrest kind of a tool even if he is an adorable tool with bleached blonde hair and a good spray on tan? Don't the people who win release some of the suckiest music, that or which makes your ears bleed, because they've sold their soul to the producers?
Yes.
But I still love it. And sometimes, when no one is watching, I get a little teary eyed when someone gets kicked off of the show and left only with a part time job as a clerk at Blockbuster and whatever is left of their broken dreams. And I get a little emotional when the winner of the competition is singing through his/her sobs, choking out the last notes of their song, even though I know that the only thing waiting for them is a lifetime of Diane Warren ballads and appearances on ABC Holiday Specials while they silently wish that they could sing something that actually meant something to them and was able to move them and touch their audience in a way that Diane Warren cannot.
Or not, I don't know.
Anyway, this season I have three favorites. But the one that really has me pulling for her is Michaela Gordon. Everyone else thinks her voice grates and she's coasting on her personality. But I kind of like her voice. It's different and it may not always have the perfect pitch, or be "pleasant" by most standards. But if you think about it, some of the most beloved artists have had distinct voices that weren't at all "perfect". Bob Dylan comes to mind even though I've always liked his voice. Same with Janis Joplin. They had unconventiaonal, non cookie cutter voices.
Or maybe her voice really does grate and something is just wrong with my ears. But she reminds me of Fran Drescher so she has my vote.


Michelle Trachtenburg of "The Adventures of Pete and Pete" and "Harriet the Spy" fame is starring in the new movie "Ice Princess," obviously about figure skating. Given my fascination with figure skating and old Nickelodeon, I want to see it even though it looks like something fit for one of those "achieve your dreams" themed Disney Channel movies. Now, if Danny Tamberelli was starring in a movie, THAT, would be news.
I miss those Nick kids. Frequently, throughout my life I stop and wonder how and what Donkeylips is doing these days. Or Furgeson. I see Malissa Joan Hart mugging up on Celebrity Poker and what not. But Furgeson? For the love of God, he could be doing porn for all I know. And that would be really sad. Because those shows were a part of my childhood. And Nick shows today cannot compare.
For example: I'm fully convinced that "Doug" is the greatest cartoon or all time. You cannot change my mind. To me, it surpasses all others. Does "Spongebob" have "Quail Man?" Does "Rocket Power" have "The Beets?" Oh hell no. And the Honkerburger kicks the Crabby Patty's proverbial ass. Doug was an icon. He was a balding junior high kid who wasn't afraid to be sensitive and write in his journal every night. He was the ever faithful friend to a large blue kid who's full name was "Mosquito." And he loved Patty Mayonaisse with all his heart. I know a good number of people, myself included, who can still sing "Patty, You're the Mayonaisse For Me" in its entireity.
I would give my left kidney to see "Hey Dude" and "Are You Afraid of the Dark" on Nick at Nite. It's not like we need another channel to show "Full House" and "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."